Dawn

Since she is partially the reason i stopped blogging and at the same time one of the reasons i still blog now, so i should talk of her. I was trying to think of some stories to tell you, so i just started typing hoping thoughts would flow as i went along. You would look at her and think she was a fitness nut, though like most of you girls out there she thought her butt was way too big. Other than that she was thin, not unhealthy thin, but too thin, at least that’s what i thought. The cigarettes were one of the reasons for that, she had such fantastic will power in most other parts of her life, but those damn cigarettes, she just couldn’t let go of. Truthfully i thought that would be what took her from her kids too early, and i used that argument with her in hopes of making her quit. I told her of the family members of mine that were taken too early, like my grandpa, uncle buddy and others. There was only one other part of her life that she sometimes showed a weakness in, that was her need to be loved. Micky, the boys biological father, was to the best of my knowledge her longest solid relationship. They were both young, stubborn, and had not good examples in their lives for how a man and woman should act together. So destiny and dysfunction took over and doomed their marriage from the start, she was very angry at him, and she showed that in so many ways, i think somewhere deep inside she knew what was needed for her boys to be happy. And was mad at herself for not being able to figure it all out and mad at Micky for the same reasons, she wanted to have the ideal family but struggled with the mechanics of it. She did the best she could, quite admirably i might add, but unfulfilled none the less. She laughed and smiled and put on the happy face. But those times when we were just sitting there in solitude with a daiquiri or some other spirit, telling stories and just shooting the breeze, i would feel a longing in her voice and hear a desire to have that perfect life in the words she spoke. A comfort to be able to talk to someone and wear those feelings on her sleeve. I really miss her, I’m still pissed at her for leaving too soon and don’t know when I’ll stop being mad. I will never stop missing her and remembering those times when we’d just sit and talk and open up to each other, other than my ex’s, i think no one knew me more than her, it was therapy for both of us and now I’ll have to pay for that now, in more than one way.